Ted

Posted: July 21, 2012 in Comedy
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Ted

Ted

So I haven’t written a review in a little while cause I’ve been busy but I just had to take time to write one about “Ted”.

My friends kept telling me I “HAD” to go see this movie because it was hilarious. I kept saying, “I don’t know, it just doesn’t look that funny being a teddy bear and all.”

Now I’m not really sure what the hell is wrong with everyone else in the world including my friends but I watched “Ted” last night and was very disappointed in this movie. Was it Funny? Well on a funny scale from 1-10 with 10 being hilarious, I would give it a 3, TOPS! I think I only chuckled maybe once throughout the film and that is no joke.

I was skeptical from the moment I heard about this movie because I had a feeling that a talking teddy bear just wouldn’t be funny at all. I was right. Now I am a huge Family Guy fan and have been a viewer for years but when I heard Seth Macfarlane was making an actual movie, I had my doubts.

First of all, there have been enough stoner movies already made so what makes you think that a stuffed animal smoking pot and doing drugs would be any different. Also, Mark Wahlberg is great but not when he’s trying to be a comedian. Shooter…Awesome, The Other Guys…Terrible. It didn’t help that his accent was a little over the top as well. I think that annoyed me more than anything else in the movie. I don’t think Mark Wahlberg should have been cast in this movie. The part when him and Mila are laying in bed and Ted comes in because of the thunder is absolutely retarded. I did not laugh when they sang the Thunder buddies song. Sorry, but a grown man singing a dumb ass song just isn’t on the top of my funny list.

As far as the storyline goes, I got bored really fast. It didn’t keep me entertained at all. It was constantly Ted calling Mark to come over and party and because of that, Mila got mad…Go figure.  Is the movie not funny because I’m not a pothead or is it not  funny because it’s not funny? Want my opinion?  it’s not funny.

So this is how I would compare it to an actual funny movie. When I originally saw “The Hangover”, I laughed throughout that entire film non stop. When I watched “Ted”, I had a blank face throughout the entire film wondering when the funny parts were going to happen that everyone kept talking about.

I’m sure some of you won’t agree with me and say “your an idiot for not liking this or thinking it’s not funny,” but guess what, I didn’t and there’s nothing you can do about it. This is my review people so take it for what it is.

So to rate the movie in a whole, I would give it a 4 out of 10. I won’t be watching this movie again.

What you will learn from watching Ted

1) Mila Kunis is the worst seamstress in the entire world!

2) Be careful when getting a hooker, she might shit on your floor.

3) Sexual harassment does not exist in movies.

4) Apparently Flash Gordon is still an amazing film today.

5) Teddy bears can have sex even without a penis.

6) Always stand up straight when talking to Giovanni Ribisi

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Control Alt Delete

Posted: October 21, 2010 in Comedy, Drama
Tags: , , , , , ,
Control Alt Delete

Control Alt Delete

Ok so I actually found this movie to be not that bad at all. Bizarre…Yes. I’m not saying you should go rush out and watch it but if you happen to stumble upon it on tv or something, you might want to check it out.

In a nutshell it’s about a guy who literally fucks computers. Yeah, he drills holes in the side of his computer and has sex with it! Now I’m sure you’re wondering why I thought this was not that bad because it sounds awful. Well, the movie was actually made fairly well and the acting was pretty good. Let me give a little more details about the movie.

The year is 1999 and Lewis (Tyler Labine) works for a software company that does updates for y2k. He has a girlfriend but doesn’t want to have sex with her because he is always thinking about his computer and porn so she eventually dumps him. His addiction leads him into drilling a hole in his computer and using bubble wrap and lube to bang it. I guess blow up dolls are a thing of the past. At work, all he thinks about is his boss’s new computer so he stays late one day and has sex with her computer. At the end of the movie he fucks the company’s server and gets electrocuted. And that’s all folks! Oh and he meets a new girl too that has a fetish where she placing a camera in her toilet and streams it online for people to watch.

I know I know…This movie doesn’t sound good at all but give a try and you might enjoy it. For an office type movie it’s ok. Overall I guess I would give it a C. I probably won’t watch this ever again but I am kinda glad I checked it out. I guess you’ll just have to see for yourself.

If you watch this and think it sucks, don’t blame me as this is just my opinion.

What you will learn from Control Alt Delete

1) Having sex with a computer is more fun than with your girlfriend.

2) Lewis can type faster than anyone with 1 hand while jerking off to porn.

3) If you’re going to have sex with your boss’s computer, you should clean up the mess after your done.

4) You will never find out what a #3 in bathroom terminology is .

Jack Brook: Monster Slayer

Jack Brook: Monster Slayer

Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer was a fantastic film to watch. It kept my attention all the way through with the action, comedy and horror.  Trevor Matthews played the role of Jack Brooks perfectly. His outbursts and anger issues made this movie that much better.

Monster Slayer is about a kid who witnessed his family get killed by a monster (Werewolf looking thing) while camping. Now he’s grown up and feels like he should have done something and has major anger issues. He sees a phsychiatrist to help him but that doesn’t work one bit. It’s great to see though… You’ll laugh your ass off. So his professor, Robert Englund, unleashes a curse from a box he finds in his backyard and gets turned into….well some kind of monster. I’m not really sure what it is but it looks pretty cool and it’s hungry. Jack then takes it upon himself to stop the monsters. And that’s all there is to it.

I would recommend this movie to anyone looking for both a horror and comedy at the same time. It’s a pretty predictable film, but that doesn’t stop it from being very fun to watch. The comedy isn’t something like “Shaun of the Dead” so don’t think this is like that at all. It’s more of a verbal comedy by the way he acts and what he says.

If you watch this movie just enjoy it for what it is and don’t analyze everything little thing that goes on in it. If you take that advice, you will not be disappointed. Overall, I would give this a B. Will I watch it again? You betcha! If you can find it at at redbox or have netflix, don’t pass this one up. And now for your favorite part of my reviews…

What you will learn from Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer

1. A rubber spear will not stop a monster.

2. Mr. Wong’s eggrolls are actually pretty good.

3. Joining a badminton team will help you stop headbutting people.

4. If someone cuts you off on the road, you should pull over and meditate.

5. Don’t pick up beating hearts you find in a wooden box in your backyard.

Purchase This Movie On Amazon.com

The Midnight Hour

Posted: September 29, 2010 in Horror, Sci-Fi, Thriller
Tags: , , , , , ,
The Midnight Hour

The Midnight Hour

Let me start off by saying that The Midnight Hour sort of reminded me of the Monster Squad. Not nearly as good but still fun to watch. If you like 80’s zombie and vampire movie’s then I recommend you watch this. Do you want the quick summary? Ok…you got it.

It’s about a group of high school kids that unleash a curse on Halloween night…Go Figure. That sounds so familiar doesn’t it. The kids steal a chest from a basement at a museum to get their Halloween costumes and find a sealed scroll inside. Well being the curious teens they were of course broke the wax seal and read it in the spooky graveyard. Why not right? Seems to me like the logical place.

So after waking the dead, they decide to go to a party. The main character (Phil) realizes he has no shot with the girl he’s in love with so he leaves and meets a hot zombie cheerleader (Sandra) that falls in love with him. So he makes out with her for a little bit in the back seat of his car. But wait.. A werewolf then jumps on the car and scares them. bwahahaha. So they tell the police but of course they don’t believe them…I mean come ‘on would you? Oh, the police captain is played by Red Foreman from “That 70’s Show”. Yeah, he’s a dick in this as well.

At this point Phil finally realized they woke the dead for real and he’s on a mission to stop it. They have to re-seal the scroll with wax and a ring by midnight. Sounds pretty easy to me… Well everyone at the party ends up getting bitten by the head Vampire (Lucinda) except for Phil and Sandra. When they get back to the party, the Zombies sing a song, which is exactly like Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”. and then chase after them back to the graveyard. They re-seal the scroll in the car and the zombies along with his dead girlfriend disappears. THE END!

Now doesn’t that just sound like an awesome Movie!? HAHA

Well I encourage you to watch it because it is rather enjoyable. The Plot is ok, the acting is ok, and the music is ok. I’m not exactly sure what the Opera singing near the end had to do with anything but whatever. There was also a part at the party in the basement when Lucinda bites a girl and the wine bottles decide to have a mind of their own. Look for it and you’ll laugh!!!  I’ll give this one a B– because this is definitely a B-Movie.

What you will learn from “The Midnight Hour”

1) Ketchup is a good alternative for blood.

2) Dead cheerleaders don’t decay.

3) Zombie midgets are a lot cooler wearing sunglasses.

4) The choreography at the end is almost identical to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”.

5) Sparkly Tinsel wigs will give you a rash.

6) If you drive real slow, zombies won’t notice you.

7) Rob Owens’ baseball card is best used in the spokes of a kids bike.

Witchboard

Posted: September 27, 2010 in Horror, Thriller
Tags: , , , , ,
Witchboard

Witchboard

Growing up in the 1980’s, this was a great film and scarred the hell out of me.  When I see it now, I simply want to laugh at how ridiculously not scary this is.

This is a great movie though for anyone with an 90 minutes of free time on their hands looking for some good entertainment. Witchboard is about a demon that tries to possess a woman through a Ouija board. See…that wasn’t so bad now was it.  Simple and to the point.

I would have to say that for being made in 1986, they did a good job with the effects and making it look realistic. The acting was really poor but what do you really expect from an 80’s film. So they play the Ouija board and talk to some spirit (David) and the next thing you know people are dying. The plot?.. Well, the boyfriend (Jim) tries to stop the demon from possessing Linda. Pheeew… that was difficult.

One of the big errors I noticed in this movie was towards the end when Brandon gets an axe to the forehead bu then when you see him again, it’s on his cheek.

I guess what I’m saying is that if you want a good scary movie and you’re 8 years old, check this out. If you’re looking for some late night fun and you’re over 8 years old, check this out. Either way it is a fun and entertaining movie that is worth checking out. I’ll give it a B- for an 80’s movie.

What you will learn from “Witchboard”

1) The Ouija board comes from the French and German words “Yes”, Pronounced Wee-ja

2) Everyone needs a little psychic humor.

3) If you throw a Ouija board out the window, it will land perfectly in the garbage can.

4) The spirits are lousy spellers

The Toxic Avenger

Posted: September 27, 2010 in Horror, Sci-Fi
Tags: , , , , ,
The Toxic Avenger

The Toxic Avenger

If you haven’t seen The Toxic Avenger, you should stop reading this and go watch it right now! While it is one of the cheesiest and stupid movies of all time, it is also one of the best.

If you are a fan of 80’s B-movie genre’s, then you will absolutely love this. To sum it up, it’s about a nerdy kid that gets picked on and eventually jumps out of a window into a drum of toxic waste that just so happens to not have a lid on it. How convenient huh… He then turns into a monster, aka The Toxic Avenger, and starts killing all the bad guys.

Now the people in this movie are all fucked up…Have you ever heard that game teenagers play when there driving that’s like, “hit the old lady and get 10 points, hit the kid and get 20 points?” Well that’s exactly what this guy Bozo does. He runs over a kid on a bike but notices he’s not dead and won’t get his full points so he runs over him again and splatters his head. Then they take a picture of it. Yeah…it’s that cool!

Once you hear the voice over for the Toxic Avenger, you’ll laugh your ass off. One minute you hear him growling and groaning and then next you hear this subtle voice. It’s hilarious! The way the Avenger kills people too is classic. I’m not going to spoil anyof them for you so you’re just going to have to watch it. Trust me though, you’ll thank me you did.

This movie is not going to be for everyone though. If you don’t like gore or violence I would stay away from this. If you take this movie seriously, you won’t like it. If you take it for how it is and expect the worst, you will love it. This movie definitely deserves an A…but not for any real reason. See for yourself! Long live the Troma Team! Enjoy

What will you learn from “The Toxic Avenger”

1) If you get into a fight with the him, you will most likely get hit in the balls.

2) Tutu’s don’t burn if your car explodes.

3) Doing sit-ups while smoking is a great way to stay in shape.

4) You get 28 points if you run over a kid on a bike.

5) Midgets fit in washing machines.

6) Toxic waste does not need to be in sealed containers.

Machete

Machete

Where to begin with Machete? Well I was expecting this to be pretty good considering I typically like Robert Rodriguez’s style and films. I’m sorry to say that this one really didn’t do it for me though. While it wasn’t a bad movie, I just don’t think it met all the expectations I had given it. It was enjoyable though.

Machete started off really bad in my opinion but it did get slightly better down the road. The casting agent should be fired for choosing some of the actors/actresses in this film. I mean come on, Steven Seagal…really? He wasn’t a good actor in the past so what idiot thinks he’s going to be good now. You’ll laugh your ass off when you see him walk in and speak with a horrible accent. Now some of the movies he did in the past (Under Siege) I like, but not because of his acting talent.

And then there’s Jessica Alba…Another one that should not be in this movie. It’s like they picked people that aren’t mexican on purpose and had them try and act like they were mexican. The acting by everyone was awful. Danny Trejo is the only one that deserves to be in this at all. He did a good (not great) job.

The plot of the movie was just ok. Was it original? Not a chance! The action and violence was good but this movie just needed something a little more. I guess the cast and acting is what brings down this movie the most.

I’m sure there’s going to be those people out there that are like “Wow, Lindsay Lohan gets naked! This is the best movie ever! ”  That is great don’t get me wrong, but don’t take that into consideration when choosing to see this. You should really only see this if you are a Robert Rodriguez or Quinten Tarantino fan and like their styles.

The dialogue in Machete was just flat out bad. It’s humorous though so some will probably like it. It’s reminds me of one of those bad 80’s movie’s you can’t help but watch even though they’re terrible. Yeah it’s that good…

So overall I thought the film was just OK. I knew what I was getting myself into and knew that it was supposed to be made like this so that is was kept me going. If you’re expecting a great Hollywood film that’s serious, stay far far away.

It deserves a C+ overall. B+ for action and violence but a D for the cast.

Eagle Eye

Posted: September 23, 2010 in Action/Adventure, Thriller
Tags: , , , ,
Eagle Eye

Eagle Eye

Eagle Eye is just an all out great film.  From the moment it starts to the moment it ends you will be entertained to the fullest. Shia LaBeouf ( Jerry) does an excellent job in this along side of Michelle Monaghan (Rachel).

If you liked “Live Free or Die Hard”, then you can’t pass this one up! The action scenes were great and there actually was a plot (unlike some movies I’ve seen). Now I wouldn’t say it was the most original movie I have ever seen but it definitely was a treat to watch.

I wish Hollywood would make more movies that are as fun and enjoyable as this one. Non-stop action, great acting, and overall good storyline leads to success. I’m wondering why this movie didn’t get more hype.

Take it from me, go watch Eagle Eye and you won’t be disappointed. Overall I would rate it an A-

So I’ve decided to add a new fun little section in my reviews about people that obviously don’t know movies. Maybe I’ll make it a category and you can read the dumb shit people say but here is the first…

I was reading some reviews on netflix that people were saying and this one guy that didn’t like Eagle Eye actually said, “It could have used a giant spider at the end, I think.” Wow, ok so he’s completely retarded if you ask me. That doesn’t even make sense! So to all you readers out there, don’t always listen to reviews coming from people who know diddly-squat about movies. Trust in someone who actually watched the movie and not just the trailer.

See…wasn’t that fun! Stay tuned for more…

The Losers

Posted: September 23, 2010 in Action/Adventure
Tags: , , ,
The Losers

The Losers

I think this movie (The Losers) could have been much better if it had better actors. While it wasn’t the worst movie i’ve seen in a while, it certainly wasn’t great by any means.

First off, the plot was just OK. Basically a bunch of military guys want revenge on Max for killing 25 of kids in a helicopter. Yeah i know, it sounds kinda stupid…but it could be worse.

Oh, for those of you out there that don’t know my review style, I never go into the whole plot on any of my movie reviews because you can read the synopsis of the movie on imdb or any other site out there.

With that note, the characters, especially Jeffrey Dean Morgan (Clay) were pretty bad. He’s supposed to be in charge yet he seems like a big dope. Picture the dopey brother from “Everybody loves Raymond” and that’s what he reminds you of. For a military guy that’s supposed to be a bad-ass, he’s really just a big pussy. He doesn’t do any cool stunts or have any great action scenes. He just stands there and somehow hooks up with the girl…go figure. As for the rest of characters, the only one I really like was Chris Evans (yeah the guy from Fantastic Four). Although…he pretty much plays the same character in this as he did in F4.

Would I recommend people seeing this movie? Well it’s not that bad to watch if there’s nothing else on. I guess to rent it for a dollar at red-box is ok just be sure to return it the next day. Anything more than a $1 is a waste. There are a LOT of better movies out there that I would rather recommend you seeing if you haven’t yet..action wise. (Shooter, The Bourne Trilogy)

I would give this a D+

If the ending wasn’t such a bomb, I might even give the a C-, but trust me, the ending will disappoint you..It just ends!

Come ‘on Hollywood, get your act together…I could have done a better job with my eyes closed.

A Nightmare On Elm Street

Posted: September 23, 2010 in Horror
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A Nightmare On Elm Street

A Nightmare On Elm Street

Hmmmm….Where to begin with this one. I watched this last night thinking it was going to be good. The outcome? Well, I was very disappointed.

First off the acting was not very good at all. I’m sorry but you just can’t replace Robert Englund as Freddy! The rest of the cast was pretty bad too, Especially Nancy’s mom. Wow was that a disaster. On to Freddy….Freddy didn’t even come close to looking like the original Freddy. He looked more like a burned sock puppet. It was pretty sad. Where did they find this guy???

Whenever I watch a horror movie I always get excited and can’t wait for the death scenes. The deaths scenes in here were pretty lame. Compared to the remake of Friday the 13th, this seemed like it was edited for TV or something. The Original was more gruesome and graphic. I don’t think they really put any effort in to making this actually scary or anything.

If I was Robert Englund, I would be very pissed off about this movie. I really hope Hollywood doesn’t remake another one of these.

I wouldn’t recommend anyone seeing this movie in the theater even if you are a huge horror fan. And believe me, I AM! Wait till it comes out on DVD.

At best its a C+